My Monster, The Mirror

I've been lying in bed for over two hours. . . the husband sleeping to my left. . . baby in her bassinet on the right. Why can't I sleep?? I should be sleeping. I'll regret not sleeping in the morning. *shrug shoulders.* Ahh well. If I can't sleep, I shall blog.

And blogging I am.

I want to talk about something I'm sure every lady who has ever had a baby can relate to, body image. I'll admit, I wasn't happy with the way I looked before, but now, after having a baby, I have the hardest time even looking in the mirror. Your entire body changes when you have a baby! Stretch marks everywhere, floppy flab that seems to be impossible to get rid of, and wide, I'm talking double-wide, mom hips. It's just not the prettiest sight.

I knew body image was going to be a struggle after having Valarie, but I didn't realize it would affect me this much. I've become enslaved to my poor self-esteem. I find myself constantly putting myself down when I see my reflection, crying nightly because I don't like how I look, and obsessing over skinnier, prettier, more fit girls and wondering why I can't look like that. It's a problem, an illness, it's my own personal monster.

Why am I letting other skinnier women affect how I feel about myself so much? I just had a baby for crying out loud! It took me nine months to put the weight on, it should take me nine months to take the weight off. But, oh bummer, I'm such an impatient person. I want it gone now. I want to look how I did when I thought I was fat, back when Shane and I began dating.

So in order to get results, I have to work for them, right? I can't just make a wish that I'll look a certain way and expect it to happen overnight. It doesn't work that way. So this past month, I've been working at it. I've cut desserts and sweets completely out, I do not put anything except water into my belly after 8pm, I work out three times a week and go on walks a couple times a week, and I drink my daily amount of water. I've been doing this all since the beginning of July, and guess what. NOTHING HAS CHANGED! My clothes aren't any looser, I don't look any better, in fact, I gained a pound. So what am I doing wrong?! I feel like the only way I can lose weight is to starve myself, (but we all know that's a no-no.)

So please, if you're reading this, help me! I want to gain some self-confidence, I want to look in a mirror and be ok with what I see, I want to stop hating myself and learn to love me how I am. The problem is, I don't know how to do this. I just don't know what else to do.

I'm lost.

Mommyhood is Scary!

Hello. I'm a mom. I haven't been a mom for very long. In fact, it's only been 54 days. A very scary 54 days. Not scary because anything is wrong with our little one, she's a perfectly healthy baby girl. Scary because being a new parent is not what I expected, I don't think anyone or anything could have fully prepared me for parenthood.

To start things off, let me tell you a little bit about me and my little family. . .

My name is Candice and I am married to a wonderful man named Shane. We got married December 1, 2011 after knowing each other for a short, but very wonderful 4 months. It was the best decision we ever made.

Shortly after being married, we decided we wanted to start a family. We began trying to get pregnant in May 2012. That September we found out we were expecting. The pregnancy went perfectly up until my 37 week appointment, when we learned that my baby girl had flipped in the womb and was now in the breech position. After an unsuccessful external cephalic version, we scheduled a Cesarean Section for May 28, 2013. Our little Valarie was born at 12:23pm, weighing 7lbs. 9oz. and 19 inches long.

The three days we spent in the hospital after the C-section were wonderful, things didn't get difficult until we brought Val home on May 31st. The first week home was pretty hard because I was in pain from surgery, Val refused to sleep in her bassinet, and we were just exhausted, (so typical first week home things.) Luckily we had a lot of help from family and friends, so that made things tremendously easier.

(One of our biggest helpers, my little sister Brooklyn.)

Once the new baby excitement wore off the friends and family, we began receiving less help. We were perfectly ok with that, we were actually excited to be more independent and do everything on our own, I just don't think we were prepared for how difficult having a newborn really is.

Valarie began crying constantly. Turns out, she had colic. Shane returned to work, leaving me home alone with the baby all day. Val also refused to breastfeed, so we had to go with formula, which was not what I wanted at all. This would not only make our money situation even harder, but I felt like I was letting her down. She and I were supposed to have this special bond, and now I don't feel like we really get that. I really feel like I missed out on something special.

After Val was a few weeks old, Shane began struggling a lot. He was having a hard time parenting and found himself not wanting to be a dad anymore. It was really sad to me and I felt horrible, mostly for Val, because I felt like her dad didn't like her. Well, after doing some research, I learned that not only can the mother suffer from postpartum depression, but the father can too. After learning this, I made Shane go to a doctor. He was put on medication and we are currently waiting to see if it helps him.


Well, that's about as far as my story goes for now, so I now want to share with you my purpose for creating this blog:

After learning that Shane has postpartum depression, I started to struggle myself. At first I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I couldn't ask him for help and I felt like I was a single mom. I quickly learned that it wasn't my fault at all, and that he can handle helping, he just needs me to help as much as I can as well. Well, I've been holding a lot of thoughts, emotions, worries, and fears in, and I feel like I am about to burst! I created this blog as my place to vent. I need a place to share my struggles, organize my thoughts, and even receive help or advice from others.

I don't know how much I'll be writing on here, since I do still have my other blog, but I will be honest and open on here when I do need to share.

Thank you whoever you are, (if there are any of you,) for reading, and for helping me through this difficult journey called parenthood.