My Monster, The Mirror

I've been lying in bed for over two hours. . . the husband sleeping to my left. . . baby in her bassinet on the right. Why can't I sleep?? I should be sleeping. I'll regret not sleeping in the morning. *shrug shoulders.* Ahh well. If I can't sleep, I shall blog.

And blogging I am.

I want to talk about something I'm sure every lady who has ever had a baby can relate to, body image. I'll admit, I wasn't happy with the way I looked before, but now, after having a baby, I have the hardest time even looking in the mirror. Your entire body changes when you have a baby! Stretch marks everywhere, floppy flab that seems to be impossible to get rid of, and wide, I'm talking double-wide, mom hips. It's just not the prettiest sight.

I knew body image was going to be a struggle after having Valarie, but I didn't realize it would affect me this much. I've become enslaved to my poor self-esteem. I find myself constantly putting myself down when I see my reflection, crying nightly because I don't like how I look, and obsessing over skinnier, prettier, more fit girls and wondering why I can't look like that. It's a problem, an illness, it's my own personal monster.

Why am I letting other skinnier women affect how I feel about myself so much? I just had a baby for crying out loud! It took me nine months to put the weight on, it should take me nine months to take the weight off. But, oh bummer, I'm such an impatient person. I want it gone now. I want to look how I did when I thought I was fat, back when Shane and I began dating.

So in order to get results, I have to work for them, right? I can't just make a wish that I'll look a certain way and expect it to happen overnight. It doesn't work that way. So this past month, I've been working at it. I've cut desserts and sweets completely out, I do not put anything except water into my belly after 8pm, I work out three times a week and go on walks a couple times a week, and I drink my daily amount of water. I've been doing this all since the beginning of July, and guess what. NOTHING HAS CHANGED! My clothes aren't any looser, I don't look any better, in fact, I gained a pound. So what am I doing wrong?! I feel like the only way I can lose weight is to starve myself, (but we all know that's a no-no.)

So please, if you're reading this, help me! I want to gain some self-confidence, I want to look in a mirror and be ok with what I see, I want to stop hating myself and learn to love me how I am. The problem is, I don't know how to do this. I just don't know what else to do.

I'm lost.